my time of the month
February 24, 2011
i’ve been on my man period pretty hard lately.
i don’t know if there is any science backing up the theory that men do in fact have periods. since we don’t bleed out once a month, i’m sure there’s been little interest. however,
at least speaking for myself,
i have one.
i remember my mom had really bad pms when i was a lad,
the “batten down the hatches” kind of pms.
my dad and i would brace ourselves,
make ourselves scarce,
and clean something.
this is apparently yet another trait i seem to have inherited from mom. (i’ll forgive her since she also gave me my killer good looks)
my man period usually involves the following:
insane emotions and mood swings
fear the world sees these crazy emotions
analysis of my complicated love life (such as it is)
insomnia and seclusion in my room
a desire to cast on many new projects
consuming unhealthy amounts of red meat
an increase in booty calls/sexting (sorry mom)*
a mad desire to start smoking again (sorry mom)
and the inevitable hunt for the ever illusive xanax bottle.
for christ’s sake i ate peanut butter and loved it!
(ok so only my parents can understand just how not “me” that is,
but trust me, that is some twilight zone shit!)
today was the first day in about ten
when i woke up pretty much even-keeled.
but instead of my brain being back in balance,
i think it’s world that has just changed to fit my mood.
you see, tonight, a few friends are coming over to celebrate my birth.
i was born in december.
apparently,
veronica feels that,
even though i had a whirlwind trip to nyc to commemorate my birth,
it was necessary to have a celebration in pittsburgh.
so a few peeps who missed out are coming over,
and veronica is making me a butter pecan cake.
i wonder if there will be presents?
i’ve gotten some good ones this year.
a skein of handspun from tina
a skein of handspun from tammy
a lovely skein and pattern from kim
some lovely body butter for my ashy skin from cheryl
socks from lisa b
socks from weirdypants jenn
a hat/needle organizer from the lovely yvonne
a lovely batt from my boss
(i really think she’s just trying to tempt me into buying a wheel)
two, count ’em two stephen west stripy neck accessories from anna
and the emotional support i need, whenever i need it,
from my sister/aunt kelli.
i got groped on my birthday by a hot stranger in new york,
and smooches from a guy i like before we even got there.
and now,
my roomie,
the closest thing i have to a sister,
is having a party in honor of my birthday
in the middle of february.
not too shabby
i’d say a(n extreme) chemical imbalance in my system once a month
is totally worth it for this life i’m living.
speaking of presents,
the february package for my secret pal is in the mail,
and am enjoying the book my secret pal sent me last month.
what do you think? does mo need a balaclava?
* just to clarify, i don’t do the booty calling. it happens to me. i’m a lady. (sorry mom)
bomb
February 10, 2011
that’s what i was last thursday; the mothah fucking bomb.
ok maybe i’m being a little dramatic.
i did do an excellent job, though.
and i’m very proud of myself.
this is how things went down:
i drove through the mountains of pennsylvania,
passing through state college, and ending up in historic boalsburg, pa.
(don’t ask me where that is or anything about it. i have no. idea.)
i sat down to lunch with the lovely krystn madrine,
the knitter responsible for booking this gig,
and went over the evening’s progression.
i took some notes,
wrote down some names,
headed over to the venue,
and continued to silently shit my pants.
this left me with one hour to prep;
writing out how i wanted to open,
giving my first impression.
with ten minutes till doors,
i headed to my dressing room to change.
(i really wanted to bring a star to tape to the door)
i took a turn about the room, and was pretty surprised;
even though this was an event about knitting,
the organizers had invited a bunch of other guilds.
there were embroiderers,
bobbin lacers (any one got the noun for that one?),
spinners,
weavers,
sewers,
dyers,
shepherds,
raisers of alpaca,
and a yogi.
i was thoroughly impressed.
i found a seat and knitted a few rows before i had to get things going,
you know,
find my center,
open my chakras,
ohm shanti and all that.
and a girl from state college asked if she could interview me.
(she was writing a paper for her event planning class)
when she asked where i came from, it was her turn to shit her pants.
she couldn’t believe someone would drive all the was from pittsburgh
for a knitting event.
after blowing the mind of america’s youth,
it was time to get to work.
of course,
there was no microphone.
i had to use my big mouth to get people’s attention.
no problem.
based on the sign in sheet,
i was standing in front of just over a hundred people.
and now that i had their attention, i had to do something with it.
i’m looking at a couple hundred eyes, but i don’t care,
because i know exactly what i’m gonna do with the scene.
and of course everything happens, my god, the emotion comes up, i chase it away, i bring it back,
it’s rich,
it’s full,
it’s subtle.*
people laughed when i wanted them to,
paid attention when i wanted them to.
that room was mine!
for about five minutes.
then other people took over with the talking and such.
my job for the rest of the night was to be pleasant to the people who came up to talk to me, make the raffle interesting, and make sure people got the fuck out by nine.
i happily posed for the obligatory photos.
that’s kate, the guild president.
and krystn, the knotty girl who roped me into this.
but my favorite part of the night was meeting a reader.
this is tammy. she was a little disappointed that i didn’t wear my hotpants, especially since she spent a good chunk of her time at maryland standing in line at the fold staring at my ass.
sorry tammy. krystn wouldn’t let me wear them.
notice i’m clutching a skein of yarn in my hand in that photo?
tammy is spinning 52 skeins in 52 weeks.
i’m holding skein #4.
it’s beautiful.
i told her so.
and she gave it to me.
just fucking gave it to me!
can you believe that?!
i had an emotion.
(you can see it here)
overall, i had a blast.
everyone was really friendly, and cheerful.
totally worth driving across the commonwealth and back.
i didn’t even need a xanax.
*mad points for who ever knows where i stole this little bit of text from.
ode to crochet hook
January 20, 2011
if you’re a knitter, a real knitter,
you might be a little snooty about crochet.
stop lying.
you totally are.
crochet is like the older, uglier sister of knitting.
that unmarried spinster who is more like a mother to her.
sure she probably knows better, and has a nice fulfilling career,
but knitting is the family rebel. knitting’s the girl who got caught smoking in the bathroom. knitting fucked the better part of her high school football team (and a few cheerleaders too).
but after today,
i will never ever doubt the power of the hook.
for this tiny crochet hook helped me repair something so precious to me,
so important!
like a lover,
like a brother,
like a soulmate!
my laptop.
its speakers to be precise
who have been silent for a couple weeks now.
now, again, david bowie can be heard here at bitches get stitches,
and i can shake a tail feather whenever the urge arises.
so praise be to my crochet hook,
and the sister who’s always there for us.
i totally know a cute geek at google i can hook you up with.
2011
January 1, 2011
we had a party here last night.
there was much drinking
and eating of the food.
i only have a tiny headache today,
a sign that, at 26, i know my limits a bit better.
2010 was a trying year.
overall, a good one,
but exhausting.
i am more than happy to bid it adieu.
so from my house to yours,
happy new year, bitches!
christmas
December 25, 2010
anytime i go on some kind of adventure,
i have a difficult time writing about what happened.
writing about my first trip to new york might be the hardest.
i mean, how do you put new york into words?
it is truly unlike any city i’ve ever been to.
i felt like i could fall into some hole,
and no one would ever find me,
or even notice.
my brief time in the n.y.c. taught me a few things,
lessons i’ll take with me when i move there in the summertime.
here are but a few:
1. new york city is big. obvious i know, but having never been there, i didn’t understand what “big” actually meant. other cities may be larger in actual size, but i challenge you to name one that can make you feel as small as new york can.
2. people in new york are prettier. they dress better,
and are possibly genetically superior.
take for example my strawberry blonde friend sarah s. 
gorgeous right? (and she only lives in brooklyn!)
this of course means, when i move there,
i too will be prettier.
score.
3. cool people work in new york city
like kim. no one is cooler than kim.
after a little galavant in soho, she bought me a birthday lunch,
very cool.
4. at sant ambroeus in the west village
they’ll let you breathe the same air as celebrities and aristocrats,
diamond-studded trophy wives and their cheating husbands,
and eat the best birthday chocolate cake ever. ever!
i mean there’s gold on for christ’s sake!
thanks for the recommendation rocco dispirito.
5. little bits of history are all around you
and if you aren’t careful,
they’ll bring you to tears.
(you didn’t really think i’d let that photo get out, did you?)
6. a fabulous birthday dinner at buddhakan
is best shared with good friends.
if only to help eat all the food when you over order.
7. sometimes, a costume change is necessary
before heading to the next location.
8. you can find a yarn store anywhere, even brooklyn.
9. unless you’re rich,
you’re going to spend hours each day in the subway.
10. and finally, i learned 26 ain’t so bad,
especially in new york city with my soul twin.
after all,
she’ll always be older than me.
merry christmas bitches,
and a fucking fabulous new year!
birthday news
December 18, 2010
well folks, today is my birthday.
i am twenty six years old.
to me, that seems very old,
but i’ve been told i have a problem with aging.
(my face would agree)
rather than dwell on my fine lines and wrinkles,
how about i tell you my news?
at 161 6th ave in manhattan,
soho publishing puts out vogue knitting,
knit simple, yarn market news, and debbie bliss magazine.
this summer, i will be their lowly unpaid intern.
this will mean a move to new york city for at least three months.
right now, the only thing keeping my excitement under control
is this terrible urge to vomit all over myself.
moving to new york is a kind of mythical adventure;
it’s one of those things “other” people do,
not some corn-fed michigan boy.
the mind reels.
however,
being a lowly unpaid intern means i’ll also need a real job in the city.
so, my new york friends,
wanna see my resumé?
on the eve of my new york adventure
December 15, 2010
it occurred to me that i haven’t done an actual knitting post in a while.
i feel like i haven’t been as prolific as i was over the summer,
but i think i really burned out on the rhinebeck sweater.
so this is what’s been going on;
for the longest time, i’ve wanted a stephen west stripy neck accessory.
i specifically bought some yarn in rhinebeck for one,
but i couldn’t choose which i most needed in my life.
i finally decided on clockwork and i am in love with it.
the rows have gotten epicly long so i doubt it will be done for nyc.
oh well.
tina’s juneberry triangle is still on the needles,
mostly because i misplaced the pattern for a time.
i had apparently decided it belonged with all of my phd application paperwork. makes total sense.
i’ve turned the corner on the edging,
so i still have hope it’ll be done before 2011.
and of course, there’s the sample i’m knitting for blue moon.
anyone recognize what it is?
i was a little daunted when i saw which pattern i was supposed to knit.
i’ve never done a brioche stitch before,
and every other row is knit with laceweight.
that is some serious pressure.
but i’m a knitter. i can knit anything.
so after some practice, i got the body started.
yes that is the body of the sweater,
and before you say that i am in some crazy place of denial,
here are some important facts you need to consider.
this it the small size, with only 136 stitches cast on.
and it’s a brioche rib so it’s all sucked in.
when stretched, i’m getting gauge.
the fabric is slightly looser than i would normally like,
if i were knitting it for someone, i’d go down a needle size
and knit the next size up to have a denser material.
but i’m already working on 5’s.
there’s no freakin’ way i’m moving down to a 4.
it’s already taken a few days to get 5″ of sweater in.
still, sometimes when i look at it,
i get the fear.
feel free to jump in and validate me at any moment.
in other news, i’m may have something exciting to share in a couple days. hopefully. if things go well. if they don’t forget i ever said this.
in fact go ahead and forget i said anything.
i don’t want to jinx it.
obliviate!
to those who wait
December 10, 2010
the other day, i got an email.
which lead to one of the loveliest phone calls ever.
the specifics of that phone call are unimportant.
let’s just say there were plenty of laughs.
the result of said conversation arrived yesterday:
with this yarn,
i will knit my first sample garment ever
for blue moon fiber arts.
i literally got all misty just now typing that.
it just feels really special, having someone think your knitting is good enough, worthy enough to represent their company. tina is a busy busy woman, and she has poured her soul into blue moon. i mean, it’s literally her home for christ’s sake.
i just feel really honored to be a part of it,
if only in this small way.
and the extra money and yarn support ain’t too shabby either.
i’m going to do the right thing, listen to suze orman,
and put that money right into savings.
(i read the money book for the young, fabulous & broke, all of which i am. it scared the shit out of me.)
and that brown yarn,
that’s some handspun. my first birthday present of this year.
(tissue! i need a tissue here!)
oh you didn’t know i had a birthday coming up?
on december 18th, one week before christmas,
i will gain another digit.
to celebrate the end of my youth,
i’m headed to new york in six,
count ’em, six motha fuckin days bitches!
(it’s my first time, new york. please, be gentle)
how can someone as young, fabulous, and broke as i afford such a trip?
no it has nothing at all to do with cramp in my jaw.
simply put, i’m scamming a free bed off a friend.
actually a friend’s boyfriend.
actually it’s his parents.
i have no shame.
i’m hoping it will be as fantastic as i’m imagining,
and i wonder how it will stack up to paris.
in any case,
the best gifts are still the ones you give yourself.
of course birthday gifts from other people still rule,
and in many cases are implicitly mandatory to maintain a friendship.
if you were wondering what to get for your favorite knit-blogger for their birthday or christmas, here are some suggestions
(purely a hypothetical here)
1 – money. nothing says i love you better, or is more personal than cash. a check or money order is also great, but traceable. better to leave no paper trail. (what? i went to school with mob children)
2 – gift card to a LYS. this says i love you enough to let you spend the money as you see fit, but i don’t want you spending it on drugs or alcohol. wool is much safer.
3 – membership in the 2011 rockin’ sock club. this gift says, i know you have a problem with sock yarn, and i’m totally ok with that. it also says you better knit me some damn socks already.
4 – moisturizer. this gift says, you’re looking pretty . . . fucking old. you need to take care of that hot mess you call a face.
(best birthday card ever tina!)
but if your holiday is going to be as tight as so many americans’
nothing warms the heart of a jaded, grinchy blogger,
like a happy birthday comment.
see you in new york, bitches!
today
December 6, 2010
a customer said i needed to wear a button that read:
“sexy men knit”
first time in my life i’ve been objectified
and didn’t know how to respond.
nice package
November 30, 2010
while mo may not have given up on waiting for the mailman
i have.
i got the package i was hoping for from yokoo.
she even sent me a bonus package.
they
are
fabulous!
perfect for my upcoming birthday trip to nyc.
i can’t wait to do a ‘thank you’ photo shoot!
i was expecting two others,
but i think i may have to give up on them for now.
which is a bummer since i love a good package,
and am unusually invested in receiving mail.
hopefully you are too.
since i’ve got a couch full of packages going out today.
if you guessed the right book in my “livid” post,
want a skein, and haven’t sent me your address,
better send it soon!
(of course, you had to have posted a comment with the correct guess before i revealed it in “fuel for the fire”)
in knitting news,
i’ve been feeling a bit uninspired.
any suggestions for something i simply must knit?
Bitches Get Stitches 