bomb
February 10, 2011
that’s what i was last thursday; the mothah fucking bomb.
ok maybe i’m being a little dramatic.
i did do an excellent job, though.
and i’m very proud of myself.
this is how things went down:
i drove through the mountains of pennsylvania,
passing through state college, and ending up in historic boalsburg, pa.
(don’t ask me where that is or anything about it. i have no. idea.)
i sat down to lunch with the lovely krystn madrine,
the knitter responsible for booking this gig,
and went over the evening’s progression.
i took some notes,
wrote down some names,
headed over to the venue,
and continued to silently shit my pants.
this left me with one hour to prep;
writing out how i wanted to open,
giving my first impression.
with ten minutes till doors,
i headed to my dressing room to change.
(i really wanted to bring a star to tape to the door)
i took a turn about the room, and was pretty surprised;
even though this was an event about knitting,
the organizers had invited a bunch of other guilds.
there were embroiderers,
bobbin lacers (any one got the noun for that one?),
spinners,
weavers,
sewers,
dyers,
shepherds,
raisers of alpaca,
and a yogi.
i was thoroughly impressed.
i found a seat and knitted a few rows before i had to get things going,
you know,
find my center,
open my chakras,
ohm shanti and all that.
and a girl from state college asked if she could interview me.
(she was writing a paper for her event planning class)
when she asked where i came from, it was her turn to shit her pants.
she couldn’t believe someone would drive all the was from pittsburgh
for a knitting event.
after blowing the mind of america’s youth,
it was time to get to work.
of course,
there was no microphone.
i had to use my big mouth to get people’s attention.
no problem.
based on the sign in sheet,
i was standing in front of just over a hundred people.
and now that i had their attention, i had to do something with it.
i’m looking at a couple hundred eyes, but i don’t care,
because i know exactly what i’m gonna do with the scene.
and of course everything happens, my god, the emotion comes up, i chase it away, i bring it back,
it’s rich,
it’s full,
it’s subtle.*
people laughed when i wanted them to,
paid attention when i wanted them to.
that room was mine!
for about five minutes.
then other people took over with the talking and such.
my job for the rest of the night was to be pleasant to the people who came up to talk to me, make the raffle interesting, and make sure people got the fuck out by nine.
i happily posed for the obligatory photos.
that’s kate, the guild president.
and krystn, the knotty girl who roped me into this.
but my favorite part of the night was meeting a reader.
this is tammy. she was a little disappointed that i didn’t wear my hotpants, especially since she spent a good chunk of her time at maryland standing in line at the fold staring at my ass.
sorry tammy. krystn wouldn’t let me wear them.
notice i’m clutching a skein of yarn in my hand in that photo?
tammy is spinning 52 skeins in 52 weeks.
i’m holding skein #4.
it’s beautiful.
i told her so.
and she gave it to me.
just fucking gave it to me!
can you believe that?!
i had an emotion.
(you can see it here)
overall, i had a blast.
everyone was really friendly, and cheerful.
totally worth driving across the commonwealth and back.
i didn’t even need a xanax.
*mad points for who ever knows where i stole this little bit of text from.
pass the xanax
February 2, 2011
so i probably should have blogged this earlier,
but i’ve landed my first ever knitting-related speaking thingy.
to be more precise,
i’m the mc for the centre county knitting guild’s “i heart knitting” event. 
i even made it in the local paper.
it’s free, and if i have any readers in the area,
stop by 113 east pine street, boalsburg, pa 16827
and say “hey bitch!”
this is a little surreal for me since, apparently, i’m their “star power”.
(their words. not mine. i don’t think of myself like that.)
i’ve also been told the people coming are a bit conservative,
and i should leave the hotpants at home.
this has made me even more nervous.
i mean, have they read my blog?
i’m kinda inappropriate.
i like to think i’m the kathy griffin of the knitting blogosphere,
telling it like it is, staying true to my inner extra vulgar knitter.
(and more recently, i’ve felt the need to channel johnny weir).
i fear i’m doomed to stand up at the podium or whatever,
and just blurt out something like “dicks taste yummy.”
luckily,
i was actually raised with superior manners.
you know, asking to be excused from the table,
and knowing which fork to use and when.
i tend to ignore that particular skill set,
but it’s time to dust if off i guess.
i will go.
i will be properly attired.
i will refrain from using words like “fuck” and “blowjob”.
everyone will have a lovely time, and leave thinking well of me.
i can do this.
(why the fuck did i quit smoking?!)
in sweater news. . . .
it is done. it is in the mail.
my model had a prior engagement,
so all you get are some tabletop shots;
while a bit stressful,
it was totally worth knitting.
and of course the yarn was a dream to work with.
the only alteration i made to the pattern was in the collar length.
it said to knit until the collar measured 7″, but after trying it on veronica,
that would have been crazy. the directions also read, “or desired depth” so i took a little license. the gauge was a little tricky too since it was given over a stretched rib. i mean, how far is one supposed to stretch it?
but using the recommended needle size,
it fit veronica (sample size),
if a little snugly.
i now await tina’s judgement.
just one more reason i feel like puking.
with a belly half full. . .
January 26, 2011
. . .i write this post.
while my last post gave some people the impression that i hate crochet,
i’m glad most of you realized i was just joshing.
misa got it in one:
“Hmm, let’s see, crochet=Sandy and knitting=Rizzo.”
thanks for helping bring some levity to the silly knitting/crochet “feud”.
let’s be honest; if really hated crochet,
would i be participating in helloyarn’s potholder swap? i think not! .
pattern: lucy of attic24’s hexagon how-to
yarn: ty-dy cotton
i think it’s going to be a blast so you should do it too.
let’s show those crocheters that we love them!
(at least until april 15th)
in other yarny related news,
my new favorite person, jenn,
made me these gorgeous socks!
(yes, my love can be bought)
we work together on sundays,
and the laughter has increased tenfold.
between these beauties and the socksms. lisa b made for me,
i am officially hooked. i love handmade socks.
but i still don’t love knitting them.
i can see this is going to be a problem.
bitches,
i’m feeling a bit under the weather.
my iron stomach has apparently rusted,
and i’ve spent much of my “weekend” in bed.*
this means the knitting has not been getting done,
and i’m not able to blog what i was hoping to this week.
luckily,
adrian saved my ass.
after surviving a new england blizzard,
and a wicked case of post-harloting server seizure,
she put my clockwork on her sexy irish man,
shoved him outdoors, and took his photo.
photo by hello yarn
though i think most things would, no?
once pippa finds their mailbox,
clockwork will be off to its next destination.
rumor has it,
that adrienne martini stalked hello yarn to get it next,
but i have it on good authority that it’s headed to the southern hemisphere. just sayin’.
*tuesday/wednesday is my weekend, and normally, i’m happy to spend it in bed. but that’s a different blog entirely.
bon voyage!
January 13, 2011
well my bitches, when i get an idea in my head,
i tend to go after it full throttle. (thanks shara!)
so even before the comments came rolling in,
i got my clockwork packaged up and ready to go.
it’s off to massachusetts to visit a friend.
any guesses who it might be?
thanks to everyone who volunteered to help me out.
clearly, this blog has some amazing readers.
however, it’s no longer within my power.
she’s been cast to the winds of fate.
if and when (hopefully when) it returns home,
and it hasn’t yet reached my goal of all fifty states,
ten canadian provinces, and three of its territories,
i know i’ve got a mini army ready to keep it going.
an international one to boot!
my clockwork apparently has the chance to visit not only canada,
but israel and australia as well! and even though they’ve never commented, i happen to know that there’s at least one person in denmark who reads my blog.
(hej danmark!)
so my friends, the adventure has begun!
i only wish i could put myself in the mail and go with it.
secret pal
January 2, 2011
so i have a secret pal.
my secret pal will be treating me to things.
tasty yarny happy things.
i filled out a questionnaire to help them get me the best things.
they can read it here. you can read it too if you like.
is there anything else they should know about me?
to those who wait
December 10, 2010
the other day, i got an email.
which lead to one of the loveliest phone calls ever.
the specifics of that phone call are unimportant.
let’s just say there were plenty of laughs.
the result of said conversation arrived yesterday:
with this yarn,
i will knit my first sample garment ever
for blue moon fiber arts.
i literally got all misty just now typing that.
it just feels really special, having someone think your knitting is good enough, worthy enough to represent their company. tina is a busy busy woman, and she has poured her soul into blue moon. i mean, it’s literally her home for christ’s sake.
i just feel really honored to be a part of it,
if only in this small way.
and the extra money and yarn support ain’t too shabby either.
i’m going to do the right thing, listen to suze orman,
and put that money right into savings.
(i read the money book for the young, fabulous & broke, all of which i am. it scared the shit out of me.)
and that brown yarn,
that’s some handspun. my first birthday present of this year.
(tissue! i need a tissue here!)
oh you didn’t know i had a birthday coming up?
on december 18th, one week before christmas,
i will gain another digit.
to celebrate the end of my youth,
i’m headed to new york in six,
count ’em, six motha fuckin days bitches!
(it’s my first time, new york. please, be gentle)
how can someone as young, fabulous, and broke as i afford such a trip?
no it has nothing at all to do with cramp in my jaw.
simply put, i’m scamming a free bed off a friend.
actually a friend’s boyfriend.
actually it’s his parents.
i have no shame.
i’m hoping it will be as fantastic as i’m imagining,
and i wonder how it will stack up to paris.
in any case,
the best gifts are still the ones you give yourself.
of course birthday gifts from other people still rule,
and in many cases are implicitly mandatory to maintain a friendship.
if you were wondering what to get for your favorite knit-blogger for their birthday or christmas, here are some suggestions
(purely a hypothetical here)
1 – money. nothing says i love you better, or is more personal than cash. a check or money order is also great, but traceable. better to leave no paper trail. (what? i went to school with mob children)
2 – gift card to a LYS. this says i love you enough to let you spend the money as you see fit, but i don’t want you spending it on drugs or alcohol. wool is much safer.
3 – membership in the 2011 rockin’ sock club. this gift says, i know you have a problem with sock yarn, and i’m totally ok with that. it also says you better knit me some damn socks already.
4 – moisturizer. this gift says, you’re looking pretty . . . fucking old. you need to take care of that hot mess you call a face.
(best birthday card ever tina!)
but if your holiday is going to be as tight as so many americans’
nothing warms the heart of a jaded, grinchy blogger,
like a happy birthday comment.
see you in new york, bitches!
still livid
December 8, 2010
i got home today and found that sarah had left me an interesting comment on my fuel for the fire post:
Just wanted to chime in to say that while I agree the gross generalizations are incorrect and possibly offensive, when read in addition to the stories included in the book (a woman getting upset that the fancy cabled and colorwork sweater was going to goodwill, and that the simple dressy sweater was used to rake leaves), there is a bit of “tongue-in-cheek” humor to go along with it. However, that is a difficult thing to get across in writing.
Unfortunately, for whatever reason, the beautiful and wonderfully produced patterns in this book get overshadowed by the commentary and writing around it, that seem to upset some people.
I found the little anecdotes of men using cashmere hats to wipe up cat vomit humorous, and I plan on knitting more than a few of the patterns, because I like that I can choose my yarn, choose my gauge, and all the math and guesswork is done for me. And I choose not to get offended by generalizations, because really, everyone does it…all the time…and if that’s what got someone’s pattern published so I can use it, then so what.
i personally found no humor in any of the anecdotes.
i didn’t find any humor in men being portrayed as oblivious, unfeeling, neanderthals.
at first i thought,
“maybe it’s a gay thing?”
maybe it’s because i know so many queer folk who have suffered because they were unable to fit into these stereotypes that makes me extra sensitive.
maybe things like rampant anorexia and gay kids offing themselves left an right has nothing at all to do with being bombarded by messages about gender.
maybe i’m overreacting,
and men really can’t change
and women must do the changing in order to be happy with them
and with their knitting.
maybe sarah is right and everyone generalizes so there’s no point in getting worked up even when those generalizations cause me and people i care about pain.
she is right that the patterns were good.
but the book is marketed as a guide for women to understand men so they can tailor their knitting to them.
there had to be other,
more effective ways to market those patterns.
this is my blog,
my little corner of the internet.
if i’m offended, i’m probably going to write about it.
and while i still encourage people to ask their lys to remove that book from their shelves, it’s just my opinion.
thanks for sharing yours with me sarah.
you have an interesting worldview.
edit: i took down sarah’s email on the advice of my friend, the editor of the world. *sigh* maturity sucks.
yokoo
November 30, 2010
i try not to blog more than once in one day,
but i cannot keep quiet on this one.
it’s no secret,
at least i don’t think it is,
that i love miss yokoo.
years ago, when i first started knitting,
veronica brought her to my attention,
and i fell immediately in love.
there is just something about the way she portrays herself,
not only yokoo the real person,
but yokoo the real persona,
the brand,
the icon.
i found and find her mesmerizing.
the way she constantly evolves, lives her art form,
and somehow makes a living off of it . . .
i know it’s a total cliche but she’s one of my biggest inspirations.
her dedication and perseverance motivate me to do the same,
to sit my ass down and write,
or knit,
or write about knitting.
over the past couple years,
i’ve purchased a few original yokoos.
we’ve also become internet buds,
giving each other a supportive comment,
tweeting our appreciation of each other’s crafts.
(or maybe i’m just an overzealous fan lol)
she made a name for herself on etsy and flickr,
and today, etsy released a “handmade portrait” of miss yokoo.
i was totally nervous to finally hear her voice,
and i in no way expected to hear the old soul in the video.
(though why i don’t know).
and i just felt i had to share it with you.
so here it is bitches,
the handmade portrait of yokoo:
seriously yokoo, congrats.
and in the immortal words of rupaul,
don’t fuck it up!
ps i would give a million dollars if someone can help me make the video fit within my blog column.
livid
November 22, 2010
i can be realistic.
the knitting world is dominated by women.
and there ain’t nothing wrong with that at all.
so it’s not a surprise that there are far fewer knitting books for guys,
and that many are for women to knit for men.
this is all fine.
i can even get over the fact that i’m gonna see a lot of boring grey vests and sweaters designed for men. all this is ok with me, if a little disappointing.
however!
i am currently reading what can only be described
as the most offensive “men’s” knitting book ever written.
it is page after page of stereotypes
that only serve to fullfill themselves!
i.
am.
livid!
but before i finish reading this thing,
and writing my scathing analysis of this bitch,
i thought, why not do something positive, right?
so if you can guess the name of the book i’m reading right now,
i’ll send you a skein of yarn.
let the games begin bitches!
edit: contest CLOSED! thanks for playing.
Bitches Get Stitches 