Bitches Get Stitches

generally,
i write at least two rhinebeck posts;
one about my time at the festival, itself,
and the other dedicated to “nips with steven”.

this year was a little different,
and so there will be just this one post.

shall we start with the nips?

ann hanson is always willing to oblige,
especially for art (bitch took at least a two finger gulp! mad props, ann)

my four-time rhinebeck partner in crime, andrea, took nip number two.

then it was you-von


who clearly enjoyed her nip.

karen, a.k.a. choochooknits,
who was looking particularly svelte in her new grettir.

a woman who is apparently a “somebody” in the knitting world
but whose name i forgot to write down . . .
is revealed to be stefanie japel after a bit of internet stalking.

val of the incomparable duo “flo and val” from butler, pa.
(seriously, you wish you knew these women)

laura chau, a nips with steven virgin.
(who looked at me like as if i were a crazy person but still participated)

and this is where nips with steven ends.
during laura’s nip, sonya alerted me that security had spotted me and the jig was up. though i tried to evade them as nonchalantly as possible, even happening upon an old friend with whom i hoped to hide innocently in the joy of our reunion, security very nicely escorted me out of the fairgrounds to deposit “my alcohol” in my car. thank christ val had given me her spare key or who know where i would’ve been.

i would have been fine with the whole thing,
since i guess i was technically breaking the rules,
but then it got back to me that they were gloating all over the fairgrounds that they had a caught me “chugging my whiskey.”

dudes, it’s not like you solved a murder.
you ruined our fun and censored my art.
the very least you can do
is be accurate.
i hadn’t taken a single nip.

and so now i shame you with this image, kinneared with my full disdain.
(the one on the right is the fascist in question)

while i wasn’t quite ballsy enough to try to sneak the bottle back in,
i refused to be deterred! and thus began:

“virgin nips with steven!”

which began with amy, a.k.a. boogie a.k.a. spunky eclectic(bitch has more names than prince)

followed by stacie, (whose husband, d, totally bailed on the hot pepper challenge this year)

erica,
who shares her boss’s level of enthusiasm for art,

and (canadian) erica a.k.a. weetsie
who is strikingly beautiful in person
and whose mild accent i find completely (and unusually) endearing.

then i encountered this guy whose handsomeness put me into some kind of stuttering fugue state wherein i lost all ability to be charming or articulate.

apparently, some time later, i took this shot
i love heather’s semi-literal take on the piece,
“exposing” herself by lifting her knitting.

so that’s it for nips.
i’m not sure if i’ll do it again next year,
but if i do, perhaps i can enlist some lookouts.

after nips with steven,
the hot pepper challenge is the most important of my rhinebeck traditions. this year, the ghost chili was supplanted by the black scorpion chili as the hottest in the world.

not wanting to break with tradition,
andrea and i headed over to face the scorpion at the wild coyote booth.
(anna graciously documented)







this is what i recall of the experience:

1. somehow, andrea and i both decided (independently) to chew on one side of our mouths only, thus minimizing the area affected and proving we are now both pros at this.

2. both of our gums and inner cheeks went numb on the side where we chewed the sample (a tostitos scoop filled with hot sauce for those of you who’re wondering).

3. one of my teeth experienced a shooting pain for about five minutes after the encounter. this worried me.

4. for the next hour, both andrea and i felt a bit . . . unsettled. as if, somehow, the black scorpion chili hot sauce were a drug.
we did not feel normal for some time.

5. while, later on, neither of us had the “sting ring” associated with eating spicy foods, we did each experience an immediate need to use the loo in the middle of the night. while i can’t say the pepper was responsible, i could “sense” it was included in the process.

the rest of rhinebeck was just icing on the cake:

the ravelry baby.
who is, admittedly, pretty cute.

this dude and his tiara.

the purple wizard whose name we found out this year is ed
(apparently, he’s legit. we always thought he just showed up in his wizard digs and walked around for shits and giggles)

the rhinebeck andean players.

anna’s volcanic coke float

beth hansenfreshly dyed and dealing nicely with a completely incompetent little girl.

one of the worst haircuts i’ve ever seen.
(the tie-dye doesn’t help)

the embodiment of why crochet is dying off.

these women.




interspecies love.

rhinebeck’s worst dressed.
(more crochet, you’ll note)

and (a blurry) morgaine!
who goes to every fiber festival.

i ended day one with my second rhinebeck celebrity sighting.
this time is was scott cohen of gilmore girls fame.
while he’s no uma thurman, a celebrity is a celebrity. (a big thank you to the twitterverse for a) confirming that i wasn’t crazy and this was in fact a celebrity while b) supplying the name)

day 2:

before leaving for day two,
the day for last minute shopping and lunch,
we got a little silly. what follows will demonstrate
how much fun we have in the cool kids house and confirm for you
that you’re completely jealous you weren’t there with us.

rhinebeck has become a pilgrimage,
the one time of year when i have no responsibilities,
can hang with people who make me laugh, and simply enjoy being for a spell. it’s a necessary restorative and, though difficult, i find a way to make going possible. and i couldn’t be more grateful
to spend the weekend with these sickos.

flo, val, me, annaw
yarnyoldkim, knitsonya, throughtheloops, yarnsuperhero, you-von
angelatong, gab-fab, & choochooknits