big luck

September 21, 2010

my life seems to happen in bursts,
as if i’m riding the back of the fabled hare.
waves of luck come at me and
all of a sudden


this week, i was given (what i consider to be)
a great honor; i was asked to test knit for stephen west.

i admit i squeed.

then i used my lovely monday off to knock out the first project.
(which i can’t really show you but it is very cute).

late into the night,
after binding off,
my mom calls veronica.

this is obviously very odd
what with her being my mom and not veronica’s.
during my happy day off,
one where i didn’t care where my phone was,
my grandma had a heart attack.

she was doing better but at eighty-eight,
you don’t bounce back easily.

the doctors were completely surprised by how well she pulled through,
and the next 24 hours would determine whether she lived or died.

my mom assured me that there was nothing i could do,
that i should just stay home,
go to work,
and she’d call if i was needed.

i popped a little more xanax than i should,
so when my pillow hit my head,
my eyes might close.

(i did somehow manage to do a single crochet edge to finish “stephen west test knit #1” while out of my mind on xanax. but weaving in my end took me a solid 30 mins).

taking more than the recommended dosage of xanax meant that i was out of it this morning, and didn’t hear my phone frantically ringing. it was my lovely coworkers wondering why in the hell i wasn’t at work nearly and hour after we opened. (i do also blame google calendar for not updating my ical correctly. it says i was to come in at 3 but i digress).

they then sent my good friend/loyal customer/neighbor lisa b over to make sure i wasn’t dead. (HUMILIATING from a work ethic standpoint)

i wasn’t.

i was in the shower.

dripping wet in my comfy robe,
veronica tells me about all these shenanigans.

i find my pants,
then my keys,
and operate heavy machinery while shaking of a prescription drug haze.

my coworkers forgave me.
i went about my business.


the yarn harlot and tina announced another silk retreat.
“what the fuck?!” i said!
“it’s only money. i’m signing up again!”

so i sent my little email,
praying that somehow,
i’d get in.

i go home,
do my thing,
knit on stephen west test knit #2
and the phone rings.

my grandma is on her way out.
she’s having a lucid moment and my mom thought i should take the opportunity to say goodbye.

though she can barely catch her breath to speak,
my grandma knew who i was,
understood what i was saying,
and said she loves me too.

i hung up,
and did what any other sane person would do:
i stuffed my face till i felt better.

i don’t.
she could go at any moment,
a week.

all i know is this is the end,
and i need to be ready.

now as i’m checking flights,
combining my savings and tiny bit of rhinebeck money to cover the cost of a ticket home, my computer makes that friendly little “bong” noise, letting me know i have mail.

i fucking got into the silk retreat again,
but now i can’t afford it.

i’ve sent my regrets to the yarn harlot herself,
feeling like an ass for wasting her time.

now i’m blogging.
because jesus fuck i need to remember this day.
it’s yet another life lesson from bitches get stitches:

pray for an uneventful life.
’cause god knows i’d give anything for one right now.

edit: my grandma past away right after i posted this.
she was surrounded by family
and went peacefully.

i miss you grandma.

32 Responses to “big luck”

  1. lisabee Says:

    oh I’m so sorry. what a day 😦 so so sorry about your grandmother. are you able to get home? is there anything i can. do to help? lots of love.

  2. Yokoo Says:

    Oh dear that makes my Facebook comment yesterday really shitty! I’m very sorry!

  3. DavidA Says:

    A wonderful high and a terrible low in such a short time. . . my thoughts go out to you and your family.

  4. Charissa Says:

    My prayers are with you and your family. HUG.

  5. Carol Says:

    Wow. What a wonderful/terrible day for you. Sending hugs and strength for you to get through this. Need a ride to the airport? Or anything else?

  6. I’m so sorry. I’ll keep you all in my thoughts. Know that I’m here for you.

  7. Faye Says:


    I’m sorry your life is such a rollercoaster right now. Your whole family is in my prayers.

    1 Corinthians 15:51-57 (MSG)

  8. bookLish Says:

    Big hugs. You are truely blessed to have your grandma in your life. And that chance to speak with her on the phone, treasure that. One of my wonderfully wise Granny’s convoluted sayings was “sometimes life is like a runaway tractor in the hilly pasture… you gotta know when to hit the gas to steer out of the skid, & when to just let it roll, praying to stay upright.”
    If nothing else, I hope I’ve made you smile. Know that we are all thinking of you & your family.

  9. Kimberly Says:

    so sorry to hear! 😦
    At least you got the chance to speak to your grandma. I lost all of my grandparents when I was young and most recently within the past year my mother too had passed away. I can understand how hard this has to be.

    Thinking about you on the other side of Pa 🙂

  10. Jen Says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your grandma. 😦

  11. Anna Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother.

    But I have to admit, Yvonne sending Lisa to your house is HILARIOUS.

  12. Laurie Says:

    I am very sorry to hear about your grandmother. Sending prayers of strength and comfort for your family.

  13. Melissa Says:

    You’ll be in my thoughts, Steven. I know how hard that phone call must have been. Everyone’s making offers to help, and I will to. If you just need someone to sit with or anything at all really, just ask. You may not want to look on the bright side of anything, but that wise-ass sense of humor will get you through.

  14. Sally at RivendaleFarms Says:

    Thinking of you and sending monster hugs your way. I’ve been on the same roller coaster this summer with aging parents and all you can do is hang on tight and ride through the lows and when you hit the highs – throw your arms in the air and yell Woo Hoo! (That, and the word “plan” is no longer in my vocabulary.)

    I’m glad you got to say goodbye and tell her you love her. I’m really, really glad you got to hear her say she loves you, too.

  15. Glen Says:

    HUGS. Just breathe. And knit. But more importantly, breathe.

  16. Bonnie Says:

    I’m so glad you were able to talk with your Grandma. I’m sending positive energy your way during this difficult time.

  17. Lee Says:

    you wouldn’t want an even keel life, it would be boring. it’s the highs, lows, good friends, (and some good drugs) that keep life exciting.

    i’m sure the yarnharlot will not think you’re an ass! but i sure got a chuckle when lisab had to check on you~

    keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. be safe. xo

  18. Sarah Says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Steven.

  19. SpillyJane Says:

    Steven: I’m terribly sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts.

    Take care of yourself, dude.

  20. allisonmj Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending hugs!

  21. Adrienne Says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. It’s always something, ain’t it?

  22. Brooke Says:

    So sorry to hear about your gram.. sending you email hugs. I am sure your grandma is so very proud of you and probably very boastful in the hearafter that SHE got blogged about!! I can’t go to silk retreat either if that makes you feel any better…. i will be at another conference in southern california. Again, so sorry for your loss.

  23. Kris Says:

    Steven, so sorry about your grandma, remember the good times you had with her and the fact that you got to day Those important words,” I love you ” she is never gone she lives in you.

  24. Jenn Says:

    I’m so sorry about your grandmother, I’m glad you were able to talk to her before she passed. Have a safe trip home, you and your family are in my thoughts.

  25. you know who Says:

    This is Steven’s mom. I appreciate everyones comments. My Mom laughed & smiled at our dumb jokes even at the end. So, I AM glad Steven getting hunted down in the shower made everyone smile. It made me smile, too. And nice to know I’m not the only one who worries when I can’t get in touch him. Thanks and hugs back to everyone

    Kathleen Ambrose

  26. Austin Val Says:

    The death of a grandparent is never easy, but like you, I got to enjoy one of my grandmothers into adulthood. Love, Austin Val

  27. Maja Says:

    Sorry for your loss. Keep knitting, it helps.

  28. Gretchen Says:

    Aw, Stephen, I am so sorry. About all of it. As you say, a tsunami. She loves you. So do we. Easy on the xanax.

    (sorry so late – been off the grid for awhile!)

  29. Lana Says:

    Missed this post until now– I’m so sorry about your grandma.

  30. Juliet in Grand Rapids Says:

    I’m sorry about losing your grandma. A blessing to have talked to her so close to the end and in a real way, not the roundabout, always hoping, way.

    A close family and wonderful supportive friends will get you through.

    Sorry about the silk retreat… however an uneventful life misses so much fun. Sadness is reflective of our love, our values, our passion. That is life, it’s the things missed, the people loved.

  31. astrbear Says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Grandmas are the best, so they are very hard to lose. And what a gift to both of you that you were able to speak with her for bit.


  32. babelbabe Says:

    oh my god, I am so sorry about your grandmother. and I wish I had the wherewithal to just write you a big fat check to do both the trip home and the silk retreat. maybe I will go buy a lottery ticket….

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