May 1, 2011

right before i went into the hospital,
everything was all set for my summer romp in new york;
i was ready to apartment hunt, and add my body to hordes.

then i got sick.
then there were surgeries.
then i almost died a couple of times.
and the proverbial wrench was thrown into the works.

my internship in new york didn’t disappear.
i just had to wait till my picc line was pulled,
and the doctors said they were done with me.

as of yesterday,
they’re done with me.

now it was up to me to decide if i’m well enough,
strong enough, to take on the big apple.
no pressure or anything.

the truth is,
i am still healing.
i’m weak, and even with big time drugs,
i’m in a lot of pain.

since the day i got out,
the question has been,
how badly do i want this?
is my desire for a summer of fun greater than my need to heal?

finding the answer has been all i could think about for weeks.

and as if my family hasn’t been through enough,
my father flipped his suv friday night and is in the hospital.
(note: whoever decided that waiting all night to notify my mother that my father was in the hospital so she had to wait up for hours wondering where her husband was, fuck you. you should be fired.)

he’s fine,
or as fine as possible.

the pressure has been unbearable.
finally, i just had to ask myself, what do you want?
and the answer came right out of my mouth.

so listen up, bitches.

i have made my decision.

i’m giving up my internship.

shocking i know.

i simply don’t have it in me right now.
i just need to have a relaxing summer.
i want to spend time with my family,
with the people i love.
i need to heal.

soon enough, i’ll be thrown back to the wolves,
to ruthless maw of michigan state’s english department.
don’t get me wrong, i’m totally stoked that i’m going there.
getting my phd has been a goal i’ve worked toward for years now,
and there’s no better place to do the work i want to do than at msu.

but taking this summer means i can really prepare,
that i can take my time to get ready for the next five years of my life.

i always knew i might have to choose between the two opportunities,
that they would end up conflicting with each other.

in any event,
this is what i want,
which i suppose is all the reason i need.

now all i need to figure out is
where the hell i’m going to live this summer.

in other news, i fully recognize that there is only so much life drama you dear readers are willing to put up with before you get bored.
fiber is your drug of choice.

tomorrow there will be a post.
and i promise, it is completely
and totally knitting related.

cross my heart.

23 Responses to “d-day”

  1. linda cannon Says:

    No sweetheart you need to vent the drama, it is almost way too much. Sorry it all happened. Hope your dad is doing better? You need to heal, and it sounds like it might be more of a process than you realize. It would have been so fun to do the New York thing, one of my friends here in CA goes as often as he can, but getting you physical shape together is the better thing.
    Congrats on going to MSU to do your PHD. WOW, you are very fortunate. As an old Michigander I went to Northern Mich U, and almost went to MSU, 2 of my Sis in laws went there and a whole bunch of freinds it is a very good school. So think about making that experience a fun one too. Recuperate as best you can, and keep blogging, you make my day sometimes. XOXO

  2. lisabee Says:

    so glad you have a decision–that has got to be a source of peace for you. consider my in-laws your home away from home any time you need a hot meal and silliness. they rock. right there in haslett. i selfishly hope that you’re around this summer so i can see a bit more of you before you head to lansing. love you lots.

  3. Jan at Cat Crap Hill Says:

    Take care of yourself, Sweet Stephen! And don’t disappoint when you get to Michigan State. I want to see some SERIOUS GOVERNMENT PROTESTS on your part (when you’re not dissertating, of course!)

  4. misa Says:

    Good choice, health comes first. Glad you’re on the mend.

  5. Geeta Says:

    Good decision. New York will always be there.

  6. Sally at Rivendale Farms Says:

    As hard as it must have been, I think your choice for a Summer of Healing is a great one and will give your spirit, mind and body what they need. So sorry about your dad (and what your mom went through!), glad to hear he’s ok. And – as much as I love your fiberlicious posts and Yarny Steven, I enjoy the glimpses of Human Steven even more.

  7. Audry Says:

    You might feel weak right now, but it takes strength to acknowledge what your body needs. I think it is a wise decision to have a restful summer. And who knows what kinds of opportunities might come your way.

  8. Melynda Says:

    Good for you for giving yourself time to heal- I’m sure it was a tough decision. Hope your dad is doing well. I guess I’ll have to let you know whenever I make a trip to Woven Art!

  9. Michelle B Says:

    I totally think you are making the right decision. I’m sure you’re bummed you can’t go to NYC, but if you don’t give yourself time to heal now, you will pay for it later! So I say relax enjoy your family and your summer!!

  10. mkonieczki Says:

    HOLY SHIT! You really deserve a heaping dose of good fortune in your immediate future. I’m really glad to hear you are recovering and that your father is on his way to a similar path. It takes a wise and strong man to acknowledge his own best interests. I hope your summer is fantastic.

  11. Jenn Says:

    Although I’m secretly pleased (hello! selfish)that you may be around for a bit longer, I’m sad that it had to come at the expense of your internship. I’m glad that you’re finally on the mend, but wtf universe, cut your family a break.

  12. Juliet in Grand Rapids Says:

    good decision

    phd at MSU is good! (spent 9 years there)

    healing shouldn’t be rushed… simple as that

    have a great time in MD with the sheep

  13. DDancer Says:

    You need a place to crash for awhile, it can be arranged. 🙂 But I figure you may want to go homewards sooner rather than later.

  14. you know who Says:

    Oh I so agree with Jenn: WTF Universe. ENOUGH ALREADY! And I too agree that Steven made a difficult choice, but a good one. Now he can come visit ME once in awhile 🙂

    Love you.

  15. Kimberly Says:

    I wish you the best and I hope you heal quickly. Only you can possibly know what is best for you and what feels right. And trust me, we are ok that you vent because we all love you for you, not your yarn 🙂

  16. Sarah Says:

    I know how excited you were for this internship and I’ve no doubt it was an extremely hard decision to give it up, but there’s only one you and you have to treat that you as well as you possibly can. I’m sure there will be other opportunities that will come along in due time; right now, you’ve got to make sure that you’re healthy.

    Hope your father is doing well and is out of the hospital soon!

  17. Carmel Says:

    Everything happens for a reason…….You’ve made a hard choice but I believe as you do that it is also for the best, and as Kim says, we don’t all come here for your knitterly fiberly knowledge and skill, we adore you and your absence was felt while you were in the hospital. 🙂 xoxo

  18. Lizz Says:

    Hi, I’m a relatively new follower. I’m sorry about the drama, but I’m very glad everyone is on the road to recovery. PhD in English? I have an English degree and I bounce back and forth all the time on whether I want to PhD or not, so I’m always interested in other people’s thoughts. What do you want to specialize in? And what do you want to do with the PhD when you’ve got it (besides flaunt it, because clearly, that’s what they were designed for)?

  19. Jo Says:

    I’m sorry you were ill 😦

    I think this will happen again sometime (the internship I mean!)

    Being able to roll with the tide as it were is a really wise thing to be- I hope you enjoy your summer recovering for the next adventure 😉

  20. Barbara S Says:

    Glad you made a decision to choose your own healing first. If an internship is meant to happen, it will happen at another time. Enjoy your family this summer and gain your strength back…I hope your Dad is doing better also.

  21. Natalie Says:

    Bummer about the internship, but it sounds like you could use some balance. Can’t believe your mother had to sit through a night without knowing what happened to your dad. Sheesh.

    Feel better & enjoy the family time.

  22. Leslie Says:

    Truly sorry that you had to give up your internship (though it does seem like the right decision) !
    But ever so glad that you are on the mend.

    Enjoy the summer. Hope you can stick around in the burgh for a while longer.
    and Good Luck in grad school !

  23. Nancy Paris Says:

    You don’t have to apologize for being real. Fuck em if they can’t take it. You aren’t Pollyanna.
    That said, in my humble opinion, good decision. I love New York and if I could, in any way, live there, I would. But if you aren’t up for it, nothin you can do.
    After being sick, you have to mend mentally also. Just waking up and saying- shit! did that just happen to me?
    You can’t just pile event after event without properly processing, laying things to rest.
    I think you are a wonderful man.

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