May 1, 2011

right before i went into the hospital,
everything was all set for my summer romp in new york;
i was ready to apartment hunt, and add my body to hordes.

then i got sick.
then there were surgeries.
then i almost died a couple of times.
and the proverbial wrench was thrown into the works.

my internship in new york didn’t disappear.
i just had to wait till my picc line was pulled,
and the doctors said they were done with me.

as of yesterday,
they’re done with me.

now it was up to me to decide if i’m well enough,
strong enough, to take on the big apple.
no pressure or anything.

the truth is,
i am still healing.
i’m weak, and even with big time drugs,
i’m in a lot of pain.

since the day i got out,
the question has been,
how badly do i want this?
is my desire for a summer of fun greater than my need to heal?

finding the answer has been all i could think about for weeks.

and as if my family hasn’t been through enough,
my father flipped his suv friday night and is in the hospital.
(note: whoever decided that waiting all night to notify my mother that my father was in the hospital so she had to wait up for hours wondering where her husband was, fuck you. you should be fired.)

he’s fine,
or as fine as possible.

the pressure has been unbearable.
finally, i just had to ask myself, what do you want?
and the answer came right out of my mouth.

so listen up, bitches.

i have made my decision.

i’m giving up my internship.

shocking i know.

i simply don’t have it in me right now.
i just need to have a relaxing summer.
i want to spend time with my family,
with the people i love.
i need to heal.

soon enough, i’ll be thrown back to the wolves,
to ruthless maw of michigan state’s english department.
don’t get me wrong, i’m totally stoked that i’m going there.
getting my phd has been a goal i’ve worked toward for years now,
and there’s no better place to do the work i want to do than at msu.

but taking this summer means i can really prepare,
that i can take my time to get ready for the next five years of my life.

i always knew i might have to choose between the two opportunities,
that they would end up conflicting with each other.

in any event,
this is what i want,
which i suppose is all the reason i need.

now all i need to figure out is
where the hell i’m going to live this summer.

in other news, i fully recognize that there is only so much life drama you dear readers are willing to put up with before you get bored.
fiber is your drug of choice.

tomorrow there will be a post.
and i promise, it is completely
and totally knitting related.

cross my heart.