April 13, 2011

i begin this post with a caveat; i’m in the hospital, on narcotics, and writing from my ipod. editors of the world cool it, k?

dear blogosphere. i have not forsaken you intentionally. at first, super secret knitting and subsequent lack of anything resembling knitting mojo kept me from writing. then it was the sheer gravity of the changes my life was soon to face. i found everything to be a bit much, and the writing stopped.

for instance:
i surprised everyone by leaving natural stitches a month early. i’d saved enough to pay my bills and thought the time off would be good for me, give me extra time to hunt for an apt in nyc, and hang with the people i love in the burgh.

and that’s when i realized that i accidentally started settling down here. pittsburgh was always supposed to be a stepping stone in my life plans. somehow, after years of being a nomad, my desire to heed the north wind was greatly diminished. i no longer wanted to leave, and had made absolutely no way for me to continue living here.

i have an internship in new york, and position in the phd program i most wanted in my home state waiting for me in the fall.

and yet, i want to stay.

there are people i love here, people i don’t want to lose. people i want to continue knitting with, laughing over tacos or pho or brunch. gossiping, hugging, fucking.

you know. a happy life.

but love won’t pay my bills, nor secure for me a future i’ve been building towards for years. that’s on me.

not making a viable option for staying in pittsburgh is the first real regret i can point to in my life. i guess that’s not too bad for twenty six years.

then things happened that were totally blogable and slipped through:

my final package from my secret pal, a kick ass canadian with excellent taste in yarn (angora merino bitches!) and wool wash (eucylan is all i use). and my first two skeins of my first three ply yarn.

totally noteworthy.

posts only ever written in my head.

just when the super secret knitting was getting close to being finished (about a week early even) so i didn’t feel bad about skipping a night of knitting to hit up my friend’s birthday party, my stomach hurt.

laying down seemed like the best course of action. then everything’s a blur:

calling home crying.
googling an emergency room.
trying to find it (thank you iphone).
serious drugs.

your appendix maybe?


that bitch and I divorced ten years ago.
drove home on crazy drugs with rx for more, and instructions for what to do if things got worse/better.
nap time.
more pain.
frantic calls to get a ride back to er.
er now full of people clearly not in an emergency situation, but get treated before me anyway.
more scans with dye in me.
dye makes me feel like i’m on fire/wetting the bed.
more crazy crazy drugs.

it is my appendix.
apparently, it can happen.

i can never be normal.

almost a week later, after too many strangers have seen my cock, ass, and jiggly bits, after getting excited about farting, and taking the messiest shit known to man (and not being able to clean up unaided), after projectile vomiting sticky green goo all over myself not once, but twice, the long and the short of it is, something is keeping my pipes from fully getting started up again. this means more surgery to cut at scar tissue, and maybe remove some bits i rather wish i could keep.

this is serious. if the surgery doesn’t go well, and i don’t get flowing fast enough this time, it could be months of recovery.

no one prepares you for when the scary shit is gonna mess with *you* this time. luckily, i haven’t been alone in all this or god knows I wouldn’t have made it this far. i got two loving parents, a soul twin, a mixologist/driver, my mother/sister/aunt, two of the best men i’ve ever met to make me laugh and help me walk, and tweeters from far and wide to comfort my weary soul. not too shabby in terms of visitors and well wishers.

plus the person in the next room sounds way worse off than i am.

it’s the little things.

44 Responses to “hospital”

  1. Sarah V. Says:

    I hope things get better soon! It seems like a lame/empty thing to say to someone I don’t really know, but really… I hope you feel better, and your body heals up quick. And I hope some soft yarn falls in your lap. Or somewhere that doesn’t hurt.

  2. Suzanne Says:

    I know a little of what you are going through, and it sucks a lot. My thoughts are with you, here’s to a thorough recovery.

  3. Sharon71 Says:

    I really like reading your blog – it is like nothing else that I read, so original – feels like we are having a conversation and a laugh.

    To use your words – hope the ‘fucked up shit’ is over soon and that you have a really speedy recovery.

    Feel better soon.

  4. Kimberly Says:

    I’m so sorry Steven! I hope you get better soon. My prayers are with you. Everything happens for a reason, even if it’s not in such a good way. Hard to think of the positive at this point so I won’t even say that. I’ll be thinking of you xx

  5. Adrienne Says:

    Pittsburgh finds it hard to let go. Trust me on this one. It’s not you; it’s it.

    Hope things improve. May you soon shit with intention.

  6. Sally at Rivendale Farms Says:

    Since I put the nice and mushy stuff in the email, here I’ll just offer a Pearl, or rather, Purl of Wisdom: Friends don’t let friends knit lace while hopped on up painkillers. (We also say friends don’t let friends cable drunk, but that was necessitated after our last knitting retreat.) Hoping you have a lovely wad of garter or stockinette to get you through. (You’ve already got the amazing friends and family requirement covered beautifully.)

    Much love your way,

    P.S. Considering the subject of your second surgery today, the fact that you use the term “scary shit” I just find funny as hell.

  7. Jen Says:

    Here’s hoping that the surgery goes well and that your recovery is quick. And, Pittsburgh will miss you, too. Maybe you’ll come back some day? 😉

  8. Sarah Says:

    Ah, honey, you poor thing! So sorry to hear that you’ve been so sick. I hope those docs know what they’re doing and fix you up — don’t they know you have Very Important Knitting Things to get to?!

    We’re going to miss you a lot here, you know. You will definitely need to come back to visit!

  9. Frankie Says:

    I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been sick and in the hospital. My thoughts and prayers are with you for a fast recovery. I hope you’re feeling better soon.

  10. Carmel Says:

    Feel better! I’m so sorry that you are going thru this!! Thoughts and prayers are with you!

  11. Jenn Says:

    I’ve been worried about you, I hope everything goes well and you can break out of there soon. Let me know if you need anything.

    Pittsburgh will miss you. This I know.

  12. lisabee Says:

    i’m with adrienne and jen. we think about you every day and hope things are getting better. i hope you’ll let me know when you’re ready for visitors, because i would love to see your handsome mug. and of course to help with anything you need. i know you’ve got lots of people around you who love you–just sayin. lots and lots of love and puppy kisses from all of us here at the casa bee ranch and spa.

  13. Yarnyoldkim Says:

    Hope you heal up soon. Big hugs bitch. If I may put in my 2 cents on leaving Pittsburgh, sometimes making a big change can be really hard but it’s worth the intitial emotional pain. I think you’re a natural NYer also.

  14. Anne knitter Says:

    Get better soon. I now reveal my secret identity. I am angrykat on ravelry and have a blog under the same name at livejournal. it has be fun being your sp.


  15. GroovyDoom Says:

    That fragment of appendix was just waiting in there, like an unpaid debt nobody knew about, and then suddenly it decided to collect. Mark and I were just saying last night: at least it happened here, and not in New York!

  16. astrbear Says:

    Oh, darlin’! I hope it’s all better soon. Hugs and wishes for all good things.


  17. Kathy Says:

    that is some crazy shit. both figuratively and literally. Get your bits together. I don’t pray, but I’m thinking of you and sending good energy your way.

  18. Julie Says:

    Feel better! I’m thinking of you! :-/ (Mustering up all the white healing light I can for you)

  19. Melynda Says:

    Oh no! So sorry to hear- in my thoughts and prayers xoxo

  20. SpillyJane Says:

    Oh my carp, I had a feeling something was up — you were quiet for so long! Get well soon, bitch!

  21. Chancy Says:

    That sucks! Sending get well vibes your way.

  22. Janice Says:

    Oh, lordy, there go the mom instincts into hyperdrive. Happy to know that you’ve got lots of people to care for you and take care of you. All the best thoughts for a speedy recovery being sent. Get it all put back together, bitch!

  23. Cheryl Says:

    Hope you feel better soon.

  24. Bobbie in AK Says:

    My goodness! You poor thing – I don’t really care for hospitals, so hopefully they are treating you well there. Sending, prayers, positive thoughts and energy your way. Get better soon!!

  25. Tamara Says:

    Everything everyone has already expressed—your voice has been missed out here in the blogosphere…get well soon, bitch!

  26. Cinnamon Says:

    That sucks. I hope you get better.

  27. hotoffthesheep Says:

    Oh no! So sorry you’ve been sick 😦 Hope you’re back in action & knitting up a storm very soon!

  28. Damaris Says:

    Definitely was thinking you hadn’t said much on your blog. That sucks BIG TIME. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way. You need to get back to your rocking bitching self. Much love through the interwebs.

  29. Michael Says:

    You poor baby! Here I thought you were off in NYC doing your thing, and you’re stuck in a hospital! I hope you are feeling a hell of alot better by the time you read this. I miss your smiling face already. Sending good thoughts and get well quick wishes your way. Call if you need anything.

  30. Laura Says:

    Consider yourself hugged by a complete stranger, however awkward that may seem. 🙂 Get well soon!

  31. 2muchfun Says:

    Damn, bitch! That’s a helluva way to get attention. Here’s hoping there’s a good looking doctor helping you through this. Get your ass outta there as soon as you can. You just never know when they might decide to suck out your life force. We need you back here in the blogosphere.

  32. Sunnyknitter Says:

    Fingers crossed and hoping that the next shit storm you go through is the one that makes all the nurses clap and say, “Time to blow this joint!” I have a sweater that will attest to the fact that narcotics and cables don’t mix, but, damn, it was fun at the time…

  33. Anonymous, too Says:

    Glad to hear you’re feeling better.

    Remember, sometimes the Bluebird of Happiness sits on your shoulder . . . and sometimes it shits on your head.

    May you have a speedy and full recovery — and may your favorite cat turn the bird that shit on your head into a feather duster!

  34. abby Says:

    Yep, I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but you make me laugh. Despite the scary post, you still sound in good spirits — that’s pretty amazing.

    You keep your chin up and get better soon!!!!

  35. Jan at Cat Crap Hill Says:

    My very dear friend, Sally at Rivendale Farms, told me of your plight. One question: did you grow yet another appendix? I want to hear that story!

  36. Natalie Says:

    Sorry to hear this. Hope you recover thoroughly & quickly.

  37. Juliet in Grand Rapids Says:

    When I didn’t see a post, I got a bit worried. Then I thought, that’s just silly. He’s okay, of course. He’s just recovering from a knitting event…

    Be okay. Take care of yourself!

    I know about that normal thing. Then I discovered that being weird really is the best. The unexpected is the best!

  38. Austin Val Says:

    Take care, Sweet Heart–there’s a martini at the finish line for you.

  39. Tammy/ceph Says:

    Ah, sweets, I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn’t even see this until today:( I am sincerely hoping that things are going well and that you are recovering comfortably. You’ve got quite an exciting journey laid out for the next few years and I wanna hear all about it, so get better soon!

  40. brooke Says:

    wholly crap.. it’s been a few days since your last post. I hope all is well….sometimes life just smacks us up side the head…I am thinking good thoughts for you and sending you all sorts of good mojo/joojoo in hopes that you are now on the mend with as many of your bits and parts as you desire to remain in tact. Hang in there..

  41. Sally at Rivendale Farms Says:

    Do you still get to go home tomorrow? Agree with brooke, still sending monster good juju your way!

  42. clairelynow Says:

    Get well soon! And you know; that thing they say about birds not returning to old roosts isn’t entirely true for humans.

  43. brooke Says:

    anyone know the status of our fav bitch? We should all toast a glass (preferrably filled with vodka) as soon as we know he is a-ok…

  44. Barbara Says:

    Oh geez, I’m only reading this now! I hope everything’s fine now…otherwise, please get well soon!

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