burnt offering

June 30, 2013

i have
pretty bad anxiety.

for the most part,
it’s not too big a deal.
i’m 28 years old now (ugh),
so i’ve had a lot of practice dealing with it

the only thing i need
is to withdraw from the world.
though, that’s become less effective since i became a phd student
as i have work to do literally all of the time,
and getting down with my inner hermit
mostly just makes me feel guilty.

another thing that makes me feel better
is doing something small but special,
bring a little beauty into my life,
ya know?

fresh flowers
the expensive ice cream
going to the movies

things i used to take for granted when someone else was paying.
or things from previous iterations of my life that i miss.
like the iced coffee veronica used to make
when we were roomies in pittsburgh.

which is what i decided to make.
tina bought me some wicked good coffee during my visit,
i can make simple syrup, and cream is easily acquired at any hour.
this would be the perfect way to start my day tomorrow
when i have a dreaded deadline
and my first stand-alone.

as i lay in bed
my unmentionables tumbling away in the wash,
(going commando is not an option for the first day of class)
i opened my windows to let in the summer air
and willed the chemicals in my brain
to level the fuck. out.

then i got this little whiff of something,
something that smelled kinda like cotton candy.
i thought that a bit odd but kept watching netflix.
a few minutes later, a whiff of toasted marshmallow.
that’s what it was! a neighbor must have been toasting marshmallows!

the smell of “toasting”
quickly turned to “burning”
and in that moment i remembered
the simple syrup i put on the stove
maybe fifteen to twenty minutes earlier.

this is the result.
20130630-231925.jpgthat’s right.
i put something on the stove,
went to my room, and immediately forgot about it.

this is why i can’t have nice things.
and why i’ll be going to starbucks in the morning.

8 Responses to “burnt offering”

  1. sarahvv Says:

    Oh gosh. As a fellow hermit/anxious person/grad student… yeah. Hugs. (As long as hugs from an internet stranger aren’t weird. I know not everyone is a hugger.) I hope tomorrow is smooth and easy (or at least over quickly!!)

  2. cauchy09 Says:

    heh, chronic anxiety must be a requirement for grad school admissions? and the burning sugar…i totally have done the same thing a few times.

    here’s wishing you an even-keeled and peaceful week.

  3. Sally at Rivendale Farms Says:

    Looks like you also might now need a new pan.

  4. lollyknits Says:

    oh dear. I hope that the barista is at least friendly and non-scowly this morning.

  5. joshua sasmor Says:

    I recommend making simple syrup in the microwave 🙂 Boil the water (with a chopstick in it) and then dissolve the sugar. Then reboil the syrup in the microwave again. It worked for me, and I’ve had the same bottle of syrup in the fridge for 8 months now.

  6. JDKnitter Says:

    This is exactly how I feel these days! “i’m 28 years old now (ugh)” haha I’m turning 29 in November…..

    And I have a lot of problems with anxiety too (I actually started getting hypnotherapy since last month and am a little excited to find out how it will help. I’m willing to try anything).

    I wish I could just look at pretty people and pretty yarns all day.

    Feel better!!!

  7. Cheryl Says:

    Wishing you soft fluffy fuzzy yarn.

  8. Anonymous, too Says:

    The pan is not necessarily ruined. Fill it with hot water and let it sit for a while. Most of the burned sugar should dissolve.

    And I know where you’re at with the anxiety thing. Hope you did something pleasant (play with Mo, fondle some cashmere, etc.) to help take the edge off.

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