green thumb

December 6, 2012

i always credit the yarn harlot for getting me into knitting,
and i suppose she’s part of the reason i got into blogging.
though really i think the only similarities between our blogs
is that they’re both humorous (mostly) and center on knitting.
after that, we pretty much have nothing in common.

let’s compare:

  • the harlot is a
  • short
  • thin
  • canadian
  • oldest child
  • married
  • straight
  • vegetarian
  • mother of three
  • in her forties
  • and i’m a
  • tall
  • chubby
  • american
  • only child
  • single
  • gay
  • everythingavore
  • dog owner
  • in his twenties

and yet somehow, despite all that difference,
i find her blog and life to be thoroughly compelling.
very rarely do i ever ‘not like’ what she writes.
one of the rare exceptions is her annual gifts for knitters.
i find the hole thing to be irritating,
not because the information she provides isn’t useful or accurate,
but because it is completely ridiculous that anyone should have to go to an outside source to find out what to get for a friend or loved one. you either know him or her well enough to get them what they want, or else you should be able to be a grown up and just ask. this whole need to ‘surprise’ someone with the perfect gift is, frankly, asinine and too much pressure. what people want is a gift they’ll enjoy. so why not ask them?

but more importantly,
no one seems inclined to buy me anything. maybe it’s because i’m a december baby (my birthday is exactly one week before christmas); i’m highly sensitive to gift giving at december time. it just seems like, if one doesn’t have a family of one’s own, after the age of 21,
no one is inclined to get one (me) a gift.

all of my friends are too new to my life
to feel inclined to get me anything.
they’re also grad students,
so they have no money.

and my parents,
my dear dear parents,
they get me things throughout the year that i need,
things like food,
or a new phone,
or my gas bill in the winter.
making them exempt from any familial obligation to get me a gift.

that just leaves mo, and frankly,
he can’t be bothered.

i’m an only child,
which means i have deeply ingrained belief
that i deserve a gift a christmastime.
no amount of rationalization
or lies about the joys of giving
or reflection on how much i have compared to others
will ever wipe away the feeling that i’m getting jipped at the holidays.

and so in the spirit of ‘the secret’
(which has inexplicably been working for me this year
even though i’ve never actually read the book)
i’ve decided to ask, believe, and receive some gifts i want.
nothing unreasonable or outrageous, mind you,
just some shit to make my life
a little brighter.

gifts for steven 2012
days 1-6.

a starbucks card. perhaps you think that making this the gift for days 1 through 6 is a cop out, and i’m just doing it to catch up on the days of december. you would be wrong. the amount of time and more importantly money i spend at starbucks is obscene. i go every day, sometimes multiple times a day. i write at the starbucks on grand river, and i frequent the starbucks in my building at least five days a week. it’s eating a whole in my budget, and size orman specifically told me not to buy coffee in her book young fabulous and broke, but since i’m beyond addicted, it’s up to you to solve my willpower problem.

stay tuned as i tell you more things you can get me for this,
my birthday and christmas season.
(i also happily welcome channukah and solstice gifts)

oh yeah!
i almost forgot the whole point of this post.
after less than one year in the pot,
not only is my christmas cactus thriving,
it’s fucking blooming, bitches!
DPP_1358this is the very first house plant i have every kept alive. ever.
while i grew up gardening in the country,
and can easily cultivate flora out of doors,
that skill has never translated indoors;
i’m absolute rubbish with potted plants.
but this, this christmas cactus,
one of my favorite plants,
it’s fucking blooming!

i’m telling you, bitches;
ask, believe, receive.
oprah wasn’t lying.

14 Responses to “green thumb”

  1. punkmik Says:

    i love seeing where people got inspired to take up a craft! i just joined the knitting club too! πŸ˜€ and that plant is looking amazing!
    i feel your only child pain and being a december baby must be hard!

  2. christine Says:

    From one December baby to another… I feel your pain! I can’t recall a single birthday gift that wasn’t wrapped in Christmas paper.

    I’ll send a Starbucks card to you. Do you want a skein a Wollmeise too? It’s kind of a cranberry color.

  3. I totally understand the whole Christmas/Birthday deal. If you remember last year I gifted you a pattern you wanted because i totally understand, as my birthday is the 23rd. Talk about a sucky birth day. But, at the age of soon to be 37 in 17 days, frankly I don’t care about gifts anymore haha. How the hell did I get to 37?!?!

    I agree with asking the person what they want, or just simply paying enough attention to get what you can tell suits their needs πŸ™‚

  4. Lou Says:

    My cousin has his b’day on Xmas day. So he has moved it to August.. Much easier to celebrate when it’s warm, and not near a major holiday.

    I agree about the asking what people want. But I do like the Harlot’s list . It gives me ideas of things I want for myself that I may have missed.

  5. I’ve got a gift for you:
    Dont repot your Christmas Cactus!
    As soon as you do- it starts to grow and it will not bloom on new growth, only on old stuff.
    Just saying- imagine how cool it will be next year.

  6. Sally at Rivendale Farms Says:

    As one who has read The Secret multiple times, you’re doing just fine. My stepmom’s b’day is Dec 26, so we make it a point to keep the two totally separate (with gifts on both). I’m 51 and still a huge fan of birthdays (have been known to let friends and family know how many shopping days they have left – maybe it’s that only child thing, too!). I hope you have a fabulous upcoming birthday.

  7. Sally at Rivendale Farms Says:

    p.s. the cactus is bloomin’ gorgeous!

  8. Trisha R Says:

    Ask, Believe, Receive. Huh. I thought that was Kim Zolciak-Biermann from the ATL Housewives. HA!

    PS: My son’s bday is 12/30. He feels your pain. 😦

  9. sarahvv Says:

    And to which address can we direct our gifts, good sir???

  10. daune frankenfield Says:

    Steven i must disagree with you on the harlot listings. My husband (a highly educated double engineer) has no understanding of my hobby-knitting. I guide him to read harlot at this time if year because instead of telling him he got a lovely present ( that i bought at my LYS) for me , he can pick out something appropriate and suitable.

  11. Pauline Says:

    From being on the receiving end of “You get something little now because Christmas is in a few weeks” I totally understand.

    Looks like the Starbucks wish is in process of being granted, so I’ll keep an eye out for what comes next πŸ™‚

  12. Anonymous, too Says:

    I’m jealous — I’ve never gotten a Christmas cactus to bloom!

    Definitely understand the plight of December kids. One of my sisters was born on the 26th. Heard many funny stories growing up of how our mom was panicky about the possibility of spending Christmas in the delivery room!

    I am going to be a little cheeky here: why don’t you get a coffeemaker and brew your own?? Lots less expensive than cups of Starbucks and probably better tasting (unless you use Starbucks ground coffee — can you tell I’m not a big fan of their coffee??).

  13. AnneMarie in VA Says:

    So where DO we send these gifts requested of the universe??

  14. Bobbie in AK Says:


    As a mother of two December babies, I completely understand that birthday and Christmas gifts should never be combined! Email me your addy and I’ll send along some holiday cheer!
    (I assure you, I am not a weirdo).

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