August 10, 2013

the random number generator has spoken
and the winning number for the bitches get stitches
fourth blogiversary giveaway is. . . 34!
which means shannon w. will be getting an email
with a $100 gift certificate to blue moon fiber arts
let’s see what yea 5 have is store, shall we?

four years

August 9, 2013

**the giveaway has now been closed!**

you thought i’d forgotten, hadn’t you?
you thought i’d forgotten it’s my blogiversary.


it has been a week, bitches.
as my new favorite blogger would say,
gurl, i’ve been going through it!

so i don’t think i have a thoughtfully written post in me tonight.
if you feel like getting sentimental, head on over to last year’s post.
but i should do something to commemorate the occasion, right?
make shit just a little festive around here?
what about a giveaway?
for old times’ sake?

the bitches get stitches fourth blogiversary giveaway!

the rules:

1. spread the word – you can do that anyway you see fit; reblog, tweet, e-mail, facebook, ravelry, phone call, text, whatever. there’s even a ‘share’ button at the bottom of the post. just let some other knitter know about the giveaway. it’s completely on the honor system. i trust ya.

2. leave a comment – it’s the easiest way to assign everyone a random number for the all-knowing random number generator to pick a winner. make sure to comment on this post. you’d think i wouldn’t need to specify that but >shakes head from experience< and for the sake of fairness and my personal sanity, please leave only one comment.

3. this one’s most important – you only have the 24 hours from the time i posted to ‘spread the word’ and ‘leave a comment’. the winner will be announced tomorrow, august 10th.

the prize:

while i realize my mere presence via the words on your screen
is a gift unto itself, the only gift you really need,
a $100 gift certificate to blue moon fiber arts
would be a bit more traditional.
(i’m a sucker for tradition)

sound good? then get to it!
20130809-215439.jpgand thanks for sticking with me for another year, bitches!


March 27, 2013

as you know,
i give away almost everything i knit.
i try as much as possible to put random positive energy into the universe, since, as @p12tog points out, i’m often an* horribly elitist person, especially when it comes to knitting.

(though i might actually be ok with that)

and since i feel that brighting some random person’s day through the power of the internets is a good investment in my karma because god knows my ubiquitous sarcasm, sass, and bitchiness
require a bit of equilibrium, today’s post
is an attempt at a double dose of karmic balancing.

first, i’m going to give away this boneyard shawl**
DPP_1382(it’s been a bit overcast the past few days)

the yarn is a two-ply fingering-sport weight spun by me
from some into the whirled bfl top i got at rhinebeck back in 2011.
this shawl’s been a loooong time in the making,
what with having to sneak time to spin and knit it
in the 5 free minutes i have every day.

just look at that craftsmanship
DPP_1387ok so maybe i couldn’t get the best macro shot.
just trust me.
it’s very well knit.
i knit it on 7’s and blocked this shit out of it
so it has a great drape and just enough wooliness for you traditionalists.

and here’s where the second dose of good karma comes in-

i rarely ever endorse anything,
(mostly because my readership isn’t large enough to warrant them)
but in this instance, i feel compelled to make an exception.

the short story is a very dear friend of mine in chicago, joshua herrington, started a business called gallerista. i’ve never seen this much drive and passion out of this guy before, and i find i’m quite impressed with his work ethic. recently, he began an indigogo campaign to turn his online business into a brick and mortar enterprise. i decided to blog about it, not just because he’s my friend (because a lot of my friends have some pretty far-out enterprises), but because i believe in supporting both queer-owned business and the arts. neither one has it very easy this days, and since i have no money of my own, really,
i do what i can.

and this is what i can do:
give away my shawl to help him raise some money.

how to win in three easy steps:
1) go to gallerista’s indigogo page and make a donation. my suggested minimum donations is $30 (so that you all can join me at the super secret launch party!) but if you can’t afford 30 dollars, donations in lower denominations are totally fine.

2) share the campaign somehow (tip: there are tools right there on the gallerista indigogo page to help you do that.

3) leave a comment so the random number generator can pick a winner.

i realize we’ve all been flooded with kickstarters and the like.
maybe you don’t even give a shit about queer-owned business or the arts. but i’m pretty sure you do like you some knitting.
so why not spin the wheel?
it’s not every day i spin and knit a shawl!

if you don’t want the shawl
or just don’t feel like donating,
if you could at least tweet or facebook or rav it,
i’ll personally reward you with some karmic princess points.

and if you’re reading this blog,
i’m pretty sure you could use some.

*i even use “an” before h-words.
**can i just say i love this pattern. i may even knit another one.

i returned from spring break this week
where several chicago men propositioned me in various capacities.
being the lady that i am
i of course bedded
none of them.

my ego sufficiently inflated, i returned
and entered what can only be called the three days of hell,
all of it connected to the real job (as cauchy calls it).

phase one of a particular project is done
and my colleagues and i are moving into phase deux.
(if any of you want to take a look, feel free)
phase one nearly did us in,
and phase deux is fixing to finish the job.

any of you who have ever tried to combine
database management,
digital cartography,
and literary analysis,
may have an inkling of our difficulties.*

and yet,
as the harlot always says,
the universe seeks balance.

and so,
after three days of
setback after setback
bad news after bad news
i received a little gifty in the mail.
any of you who’ve followed my blog
will know how much i adore gifts.
(and .gifs)

you could have knocked me over with a feather
when i got to my office mailbox to find a package
from ms. hello yarn herself.
DPP_1367can you believe it?
for absolutely no reason at all,
i got a gifty when i most needed it.
DPP_1372DPP_1376home made jams and over 1200yds of yarn?
almost enough to make a believer outta ya, right?

in other random news,
ages ago, i purchased colours of shetland by kate davies.
i ordered early to get two signed copies,
one for my shelf
and one for me to use.

after a month with no books in sight,
i explained the situation to kate
and she sent me two new ones at no charge.
they arrived without a hitch in about week.

two days later, the original two arrived.
DPP_1361so now i have four copies of colours of shetland.

what happened to the other two to delay them?
were they trapped in customs?
lost in that black hole with which we knitters are so familiar?

oh no.

nothing so simple.

what had happened was, it was
DPP_1378missent to mother fucking australia?
how on earth did the british postal system of all people
missend my package to australia?
i mean,
they literally sent it across the wrong ocean!

since i hardly need four copies of the book
i’m giving away the other two.
if you want to win one,
just share this post somehow,
(there should be a little ‘share’ button at the bottom)
and leave me a comment.

the random number generator will pick a winner.

stay tuned to see what i’m knitting.


*any experts in any of those areas who’d like to help, especially people conversant in arcgis 10.1, hit me up! lol

sashay away

February 20, 2013

while i doubt it will be as good as project runway,
and can’t possibly hold a candle to rupaul’s drag race,
i must admit i find the concept to be rather intriguing.

what do we think?
will this be cool?
will it be boring?
should i blog along with snarky commentary?

2012 in review

December 31, 2012

i considered writing a profound end of the year post,
something characteristically witty and poignant.
then i realized i didn’t feel like it.
so instead,
i’ll share a link to wordpress’ end of the year report on my blog

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

click here to see the complete report.

and this music video

which is quite clearly the shit.

happy new year bitches!

right to write

December 11, 2012

hello everyone, from finals island!
while finals time is always hellish,
this is the first finals in. my. life.
where i am not panicked.
but that little voice that has been telling me for years to work ahead,
get things done, don’t put unnecessary stress on yourself,
a voice i have largely ignored for going on 28 years*,
finally got through, and for the first time
i won’t have to rush to finish.

go. me.

now of course as soon as i hit that little blue publish button on this post,
i will have thoroughly jinxed myself and my computer will explode or
i’ll forget the english language or something.

i guess i better make this post count, then.

one of my favorite activities is imaging that i’ve won the lottery.
the following hour is taken up by a reverie of how i’d spend the cash.
it usually involves real estate and world travel,
with a dash of setting up my friends for life.

imaging the getting of things is my hobby.

i must admit, when i wrote my last post,
i never actually thought anyone would send me a gift.
i was merely indulging in one of my favorite pastimes,
(and thought it might make for a somewhat humorous post)
receiving starbucks cards in my inbox frankly shocked me.
and that shock has left me speechless ever since.

i went through many stages of reaction to the presents.
the first was simply the joyful exclamation of PRESENTS!
then my humility kicked in and i thought about how lucky i am that people think me cool enough to treat me to coffee,
the source of my existence.
then that pesky bit of catholicism that i can’t seem to get rid of made me feel ashamed for asking for gifts;
how greedy.
how selfish.
how humiliating.
i couldn’t get the sound of my friend anna’s voice out of my head; her diatribe against annie modesitt’s greedy call for money reverberates in my mind.

(to be fair, she’s not alone in her contempt, but anna has a special way of putting things that just stays with one)

then i came to my fucking senses.

i wasn’t giving anyone a line. i didn’t say i was in desperate need of aid; i’m not haiti for christ’s sake. all i said was i like presents and as i get older i seem to get less of them and that it annoys the heck out of me that, during the holidays, people don’t just ask for what they want. i mean, people send glozell brita filters and tampax. if friends and strangers want to buy me a cup of coffee, i should just say thank you and smile, knowing there are nice people in the world.

(thank you fairy godmothers of coffee!)

i’m shameless.
so let’s continue, shall we, with

gifts for steven 2012

day 7
twice a year, i make my way to the douglas j to get a facial. when i lived in chicago and made entry-level cubical money for an evil multinational corporation, i had a beauty regimen that rivaled any aging actress afraid of being cast as a mother in her next film. i can still remember the glorious pain as the polish esthetician (we’ll call her olga for lack of an better memory) buffed my fingernails to the point where i could literally see my face reflected in them. (the first time that happened, i went around having other people look at themselves in my nails) in those days, i was 5 years younger and far more beautiful than i am today. today, when i make my pilgrimage to douglas j and lay down my credit card, i can look forward to the horrified look of the master esthetician as she sees what truly neglected pores look like. she does what she can and i’m frankly shocked with the results; i look smoother, younger, and pinker. with the fervency of a pulmonologist begging her patient to quit smoking, or a dentist praying his patient will finally floss regularly, she always warns me that these results are temporary, that i need to do something to take care of my face on a regular basis. still, for the next few days, i am beautiful again. i don’t even know if they do gift cards, but if they did, maybe i’d get to be pretty three times a year.

day 8
of course all of this might be moot because i’m going to protest at the capital today. i’ll be tweeting while i’m there. there’s going to be a heavy police presence, so i’m sure people are going to be arrested. i won’t be able to get a facial in jail, at least not the kind i’d need to pay for. so for day 8, just wish me and my friends a safe return (and that my union doesn’t become illegal in the next couple days). that feels apropos for the season, right?

here goes nothing!

*holy fuck i’m turing 28 in a week.

ps sending things to bloggers is a tricky business. when i wanted to get something to stephen a.k.a. hizknits i sent it to his then place of employment (blue moon). but then, i’m a particularly innovative stalker when i want to give someone a gift. to the lovely people who have asked for my address to send me gifts, i’m torn. i worry that giving internet strangers with candy my address will put mo at risk. he’s very portable and friendly and even the most ethical person wouldn’t think twice about stealing him. giving you my address is basically inviting you to purloin him.

i mean, which do really love more, presents or mo?

i’ll think it over.

green thumb

December 6, 2012

i always credit the yarn harlot for getting me into knitting,
and i suppose she’s part of the reason i got into blogging.
though really i think the only similarities between our blogs
is that they’re both humorous (mostly) and center on knitting.
after that, we pretty much have nothing in common.

let’s compare:

  • the harlot is a
  • short
  • thin
  • canadian
  • oldest child
  • married
  • straight
  • vegetarian
  • mother of three
  • in her forties
  • and i’m a
  • tall
  • chubby
  • american
  • only child
  • single
  • gay
  • everythingavore
  • dog owner
  • in his twenties

and yet somehow, despite all that difference,
i find her blog and life to be thoroughly compelling.
very rarely do i ever ‘not like’ what she writes.
one of the rare exceptions is her annual gifts for knitters.
i find the hole thing to be irritating,
not because the information she provides isn’t useful or accurate,
but because it is completely ridiculous that anyone should have to go to an outside source to find out what to get for a friend or loved one. you either know him or her well enough to get them what they want, or else you should be able to be a grown up and just ask. this whole need to ‘surprise’ someone with the perfect gift is, frankly, asinine and too much pressure. what people want is a gift they’ll enjoy. so why not ask them?

but more importantly,
no one seems inclined to buy me anything. maybe it’s because i’m a december baby (my birthday is exactly one week before christmas); i’m highly sensitive to gift giving at december time. it just seems like, if one doesn’t have a family of one’s own, after the age of 21,
no one is inclined to get one (me) a gift.

all of my friends are too new to my life
to feel inclined to get me anything.
they’re also grad students,
so they have no money.

and my parents,
my dear dear parents,
they get me things throughout the year that i need,
things like food,
or a new phone,
or my gas bill in the winter.
making them exempt from any familial obligation to get me a gift.

that just leaves mo, and frankly,
he can’t be bothered.

i’m an only child,
which means i have deeply ingrained belief
that i deserve a gift a christmastime.
no amount of rationalization
or lies about the joys of giving
or reflection on how much i have compared to others
will ever wipe away the feeling that i’m getting jipped at the holidays.

and so in the spirit of ‘the secret’
(which has inexplicably been working for me this year
even though i’ve never actually read the book)
i’ve decided to ask, believe, and receive some gifts i want.
nothing unreasonable or outrageous, mind you,
just some shit to make my life
a little brighter.

gifts for steven 2012
days 1-6.

a starbucks card. perhaps you think that making this the gift for days 1 through 6 is a cop out, and i’m just doing it to catch up on the days of december. you would be wrong. the amount of time and more importantly money i spend at starbucks is obscene. i go every day, sometimes multiple times a day. i write at the starbucks on grand river, and i frequent the starbucks in my building at least five days a week. it’s eating a whole in my budget, and size orman specifically told me not to buy coffee in her book young fabulous and broke, but since i’m beyond addicted, it’s up to you to solve my willpower problem.

stay tuned as i tell you more things you can get me for this,
my birthday and christmas season.
(i also happily welcome channukah and solstice gifts)

oh yeah!
i almost forgot the whole point of this post.
after less than one year in the pot,
not only is my christmas cactus thriving,
it’s fucking blooming, bitches!
DPP_1358this is the very first house plant i have every kept alive. ever.
while i grew up gardening in the country,
and can easily cultivate flora out of doors,
that skill has never translated indoors;
i’m absolute rubbish with potted plants.
but this, this christmas cactus,
one of my favorite plants,
it’s fucking blooming!

i’m telling you, bitches;
ask, believe, receive.
oprah wasn’t lying.

November 25, 2012

steven a.:

one of the best posts from one of my favorite bloggers,
and not just because i get several shout outs.
(though, that doesn’t hurt)

and keep your eyes on the prize page
because there’s going to be some amazing last minute additions, bitches!

Originally posted on completely cauchy.:

Re-Published: with fundraising giveaway info below

The thing with euphemism samplers is that they are unending: there are always more themes and there are always more euphemisms (or variations of euphemisms) that one could include. There is a sense of adventure in embarking on a new one just because playing with language is fun and it is fascinating to learn about new-to-me English usage. But sometimes the research to source the text can be stressful—I have seen things I wish I could un-see and I’ve read about some things I could safely have died not knowing existed. Gunshy is too mild to describe my state of mind after last week’s Really Redwork.

So I was quite grateful for an email last week from my buddy Steven. He said he sourced most of his list of vaginal terms from an episode of The L-Word. After playing with…

View original 264 more words

dear blog,

September 22, 2012

i have some sad news.
it’s been more than a month since i’ve knit a stitch.
all hope of a rhinebeck sweater went out the winder after my first week.
even my as yet unmentioned handspun shawl sits untouched.
my wheel is gathering dust,
my loom lays loosely warped on the table.

unforeseen additions to an already inhuman workload means i have absolutely no time to ‘write for myself’ let alone create any actual content for the blog. in my desperation, i even thought about how i could turn the gift of a bath bomb from lush into a post. but once i’d finally deluded myself into thinking i could spin it in such a way that you all would actually care, i found i didn’t even have the time to write the post.

and so i’ve finally come to admit something i’ve been trying to avoid:

the blog must go on an indefinite hiatus.

it’s not that you’ll never hear from my again on here. i hope i’ll be able to pop in every now and then, and i am going to rhinebeck, which i plan to document thoroughly. it just means i can no longer be a ‘blogger’ and must content myself with being ‘a person with a blog’.

i realize this means i’m going to lose most of my precious readership that i’ve spent three years building up, but i see no other option. if you want to make sure you’re aware of those rare times when i may be able to post this semester, make sure to sign up for email notifications for my posts.

i hope to return in earnest next semester;
i’m working hard now so there will be a lot less work then.
fingers crossed, eh?

so this isn’t goodbye,
it’s see you later, bitches!


steven a.


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