pass the xanax

February 2, 2011

so i probably should have blogged this earlier,
but i’ve landed my first ever knitting-related speaking thingy.

to be more precise,
i’m the mc for the centre county knitting guild’s “i heart knitting” event. i even made it in the local paper.
it’s free, and if i have any readers in the area,
stop by 113 east pine street, boalsburg, pa 16827
and say “hey bitch!”

this is a little surreal for me since, apparently, i’m their “star power”.
(their words. not mine. i don’t think of myself like that.)

i’ve also been told the people coming are a bit conservative,
and i should leave the hotpants at home.
this has made me even more nervous.
i mean, have they read my blog?
i’m kinda inappropriate.

i like to think i’m the kathy griffin of the knitting blogosphere,
telling it like it is, staying true to my inner extra vulgar knitter.
(and more recently, i’ve felt the need to channel johnny weir).
i fear i’m doomed to stand up at the podium or whatever,
and just blurt out something like “dicks taste yummy.”

luckily,
i was actually raised with superior manners.
you know, asking to be excused from the table,
and knowing which fork to use and when.
i tend to ignore that particular skill set,
but it’s time to dust if off i guess.

i will go.
i will be properly attired.
i will refrain from using words like “fuck” and “blowjob”.
everyone will have a lovely time, and leave thinking well of me.

i can do this.
(why the fuck did i quit smoking?!)

in sweater news. . . .
it is done. it is in the mail.
my model had a prior engagement,
so all you get are some tabletop shots;

while a bit stressful,
it was totally worth knitting.
and of course the yarn was a dream to work with.
the only alteration i made to the pattern was in the collar length.
it said to knit until the collar measured 7″, but after trying it on veronica,
that would have been crazy. the directions also read, “or desired depth” so i took a little license. the gauge was a little tricky too since it was given over a stretched rib. i mean, how far is one supposed to stretch it?
but using the recommended needle size,
it fit veronica (sample size),
if a little snugly.

i now await tina’s judgement.
just one more reason i feel like puking.

19 Responses to “pass the xanax”

  1. misa Says:

    That has to be one of the funniest posts ever. You have star power beatch, work it!

  2. misa Says:

    And the sweater is amazeball but I got sidetracked by Johnny Weir on the podium.

  3. Sally at Rivendale Farms Says:

    A. You will totally rock the event, even if required to leave the hotpants at home and eliminate “fuck” from your repertoire for the night. (And, as much as I love Kathy Griffin, you’re above the D List, baby.)

    B. Love, love, love the sweater – although now I’m picturing Veronica in it as the pattern called for and the neck is so high all you can see are her eyebrows.

    C. Do you have time to grow your hair out to get the Johnny Wier -do?

  4. Kimberly Says:

    wow. I laughed so much at this post I shared it with some non-knitting co-workers and even THEY think your hilarious.

    You’ll be fine, don’t stress and good luck! Wish I could come but…we all know the weather is not exactly acceptable to a 3 hour drive to the other side of the state..stupid ice

  5. Jenn Says:

    You will go, you will be fabulous, and you will not yell BLOWJOB at the podium (or if you do, please try to make sure it ends up on YouTube so I can see it).


  6. They are lucky to get you My Friend! Star power and no cussing… throw a few mild cusses in there so they can all giggle and feel like they are in with the edgy knitters. The sweater is amazing, Tina will definitely approve. And… I’m seconding wanting to watch you on YouTube. Great Post S.A.

  7. Julia Says:

    I had to read this to my husband because he was looking at me like I’m crazy for laughing uncontrollably into the screen of my computer. Had him laughing too! Good luck although I’m sure you’ll be awesome, bitch!:) Wish I could make it but I’m nowhere near ya.

  8. Val Says:

    So how is you saying “Dicks taste yummy” any different from a woman knitting maven (pick any of ‘em and drop their names) saying “Dicks taste yummy”?

    • V. Says:

      No different, I imagine–an equally nerve-wracking hypothetical prospect? Not that I read anything here that suggests nervousness is a uniquely male (or male queer) affliction.

      Good luck to you, roomie.

  9. Tammy/ceph Says:

    Please, please, please do NOT leave the hot pants at home! Some of us are looking forward to seeing them again;) While there will be a large conservative population there, I promise to represent the freak faction in all my neon glory. See ya tomorrow night!

  10. Janice Says:

    well, dicks DO taste yummy, so at least no one could accuse you of being a fibber

  11. Natalie Says:

    The Kathy Griffin of the knitting blogosphere? I’m laughing at the comparison. She’s the only one I can watch on New Year’s, just to see how far she pushes Anderson. Good luck, you’ll be great!

  12. Sarah Says:

    The sweater looks fabulous. You may have almost convinced me to knit one (but I think I need to learn brioche stitch first).

    Can’t wait to hear about your first knitting celebrity gig!

  13. Bobbie in AK Says:

    The Brioche sweater is lovely. Have fun tonight!

  14. woolydaisy Says:

    wear your hot pants!!!

  15. Maja Says:

    I wouldn’t go if you were not going to be inappropriate. Aside from your fab knitting skills, thats why I read your blog. Just go and be your self! Challenge the conservative and give em something to talk about bitch!!!

  16. Victoria Says:

    Well, you did it! You were great last night -hmm
    and you didn’t even say fuck or blowjob(damnit). That might have livened up the place a bit, but I had fun, never having been to one of these shindigs before. I also decided to take your word on making a hat (yikes) and then devote myself to socks. Your blog is hilarious and frankly, I think hotpants would have been a fabulous choice — albeit a bit cold outside. By the way, are they knitted? ;)

    Thanks for showing up last night.

  17. nparis Says:

    Ha. I had a thought. Wear the hot pants OVER your jeans.
    You are a hoot. The sweater is gorgeous.
    Nancy

  18. Kathy Says:

    See, I come too late to share my advice. I think most knitters are women so dicks taste yummy might be an icebreaker to show how much you have in common. Just sayin’.

    what DID you talk about? Assuming not hot pants, Johnny Weir or blowjobs from Victoria’s comment. ;)


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